Saturday, June 21, 2014
If Black People Said The Stuff White People Say
I've been on hiatus for nearly two months now and y'all just sit patiently (as it were), knowing I'll be back, knowing this blog is my partner for life, knowing you're never far from my mind.
I crashed and burned again at the end of this semester. Worse than usual even. Depressed, exhausted, done, done, done. So bad I had to implement an actual campaign of recuperation. Reading novels. Watching Netflix. Taking afternoon naps. Talking to my therapist. Lying in the grass watching the clouds drift overhead. I even gave up coffee. And it still took weeks to begin to believe I might eventually return to the land of the living. (*shakes head ruefully*)
The good side to hitting bottom, though (and yes, Virginia, there is a good side to hitting bottom), is that it forces you to re-evaluate and even let go of some stuff, to change your perspective, to find a new level of self-acceptance, to embrace reality.
The subsequent problem, of course, is that when you begin to feel better, there is always the possibility -- if you're as OCD as I am after being raised with a performance standard that accepts nothing less than perfection -- you might pick up everything you let go of -- again. Hopefully -- this time -- I will not do that. Especially since, as was suggested to me the other day when I was getting a massage, if I don't learn to let go of the illusion that I must fix (and be in control of?) everything, I might have to come back and do this again to learn it (please, no!).
So, a couple of days ago, I posted the online Introduction to Sociology course I have to teach in July to pay my August rent. And I'm taking baby steps back to you today, hoping that I've learned my lesson. We'll see.