Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Brotha Wolf Is Tired

As my regular readers know, I sometimes get down off my soapbox just long enough to make room for another blogger to have his or her say. One blogger I've presented more than once is a young man of color, Brotha Wolf, a good writer with something to say, but when I step aside, it's not just because I'm feeling lazy. It's because he has opened his soul and I cannot but love him for that.

This opening of the soul is not an accident or the egoistic machinations of a would-be intellectual. Opening the soul relieves pressure sometimes, but always at a cost. Opening the soul occurs only after its very fabric has ripped. Then, for a few hours or days, a certain clarity of vision and expression makes possible a breakthrough of understanding and statement that can, if heeded, benefit us all. Today, with gratitude and his kind permission, I'm presenting this recent post by Brotha Wolf.

The Tired Rant
by Brotha Wolf

I've mentioned in other posts where I was down and out that there will be more posts where I just need to let it out. I don't know if I made it clear that these posts, or this blog rather, should not to be taken too seriously, nor are they to be used for objective sources of information. They shouldn't be. My blog posts are half-truth and half-emotion, mostly anger, frustration and depression. Like I said in the welcoming post, I am no expert and posts like this one are not merited in logic even though there is some truth in them.
I just wanted to let you know in advance before you read this that this is one of 'those' posts. I'm always angry and depressed about many things, and this blog is one way for me to get it off my chest. As you can tell already, I'm very tired of a lot of things.
I'm tired of this plague of self-hatred a lot of black people have! It can not be ignored. This illness is destroying some of us and the victims don't even know or care to treat it. Nowadays, it seems to be the trend, a way of getting hits and money! Even though the reason behind it is linked to white supremacy, what can be done? Can it be treated at all? Is it getting worse?
I'm tired of this self-hatred leading to disrespect and physical violence! From day one, we were taught to hate ourselves and what we are. Some have contributed that hatred to self-destructive behavior. Sadly, some of us buy into the hype, and it becomes a popular theme to show to the whole damn world. Black drama and 'pathology' seems to fucking sell in the 21st Century. Why is this happening? Why is it that there is only 'black pathology' as if black people are the only people who screw up?
I'm tired of overprivileged people with a warped sense of morality and intelligence crying about how they are 'victims' of this, that and the other. Victims of what!? Why is their pain more important than anyone else's? Why should I feel sorry for them when they have adequate support while those like me struggle to even find someone who understands a little bit?
I'm tried of being grouped in with negative stereotypes about black people just because I'm black myself. Even though it's stupid to base a conclusion on something so trivial, it too is the norm in today's world! I'm a criminal because there are black male criminals! See how messed that shit is? But again, this is regarded as reasonable in today's society! It doesn't matter that I've never been in trouble with the law. I'm a criminal because I'm a black male. What the fuck?
I'm tired of this damn stereotype threat that I live with! Why should feel I guilty if there was a crime committed by another black person. I didn't do it. I'm no criminal! So, why should I feel shame? Aren't I an individual? According to most white people, no. 'Black people are a monolith,' say people who know little about blacks but have the outlets to say so and the people that will listen to them.
I'm tired of the monolithic thinking that I have! I need to see myself as an individual. I am but one man, a human being with a mind, heart and soul. It's funny how some people are surprised as hell to know that black people think and feel. It's almost shocking when they discover that we don't all think and feel alike. I suppose that goes back to the damn criminal stereotype that latches on to us until we're dead.
I'm tired of overprivileged people being seen as basically good while the underprivileged are seen as the opposite! The same goes for them when they are allowed to see themselves as individuals when one, a few or a multitude of them screw up while we are seen as a collective even when none of us falter! But, if certain members achieve success, all of a sudden, the whole group is now a damn collective, and underprivileged folks who succeed are individuals. Double standards suck!
Most of all, I'm tired of...well, being tired! It's hard for me to hold my head up right now. It's hard for me to know that this is the weekend, and I'm off until Monday. It's hard for me to smile and not cry. It's hard for me to believe in God. Hell, it's hard for me to love myself right now.
My bitterness is what the dark spirit of white supremacy wants, and there are times where it's winning. It urges me to escape and leave this world. It persuades me to end the pain that way since this demon doesn't seem like it's leaving any time soon. It tells me that this is permanent and that I should just 'go.'
However, something tells me to remain, to fight. Something tells me to hold on and continue what I'm doing. That little voice tells me to stay in it for the long haul, and it is constant battle with the white racist spirit that wants my soul. So, even though it will be stressful and -- at times -- painful, I must not give up no matter how tired I am.
Are you tired as well?


Brotha Wolf said...

I almost didn't do it. Then again, I wondered how many other people feel the same way. And I thought that I should make myself an example.

Anonymous said...

thanks for sharing...

Li said...

Makes me sad, but I relate completely. I am exhausted really.